People have been asking for this guy for approximately since I first started doing these Who’s Who bits, and I feel it is only proper to reward patience (and give into repetitive begging). So:
FIVE THINGS ABOUT VARTOX
ONE. Now, admittedly, at first one might look at Vartox’ clothes and say “my god, this guy is gayer than all of the Village People combined.” But that is unfair. Firstly, Vartox arrived in the Bronze Age, in the early 70s, a time when thigh-high leather boots, a Speedo and a vest with no shirt was the height of heterosexual male attire. Secondly, you have to be beyond manly to wear that with a completely straight face (and sexuality). Besides, Vartox is nothing if not serious about his fashion.
TWO. Vartox is powerful. He is really powerful. He had to be, because he was immediately established as a romantic rival for Superman, as he began a relationship with Lana Lang (whose affection for Superman was, it seems, matched only by her affection for Tom Selleck moustaches). Vartox has approximately eleventy billion “hyper-powers,” the origin of which was never actually explained (not even a lousy two pages of “cosmic rays something something”) and among them, as specifically listed in Who’s Who, is the ability to “project various kinds of energy to do an array of things.”
An array of things.
THREE. Vartox married an alien chick who died when a woman on Earth, her “bionic twin,” was shot and killed. The fact that this makes absolutely no sense whatsoever did not stop Vartox from pursuing the murderer of that Earth woman and bringing him back to face justice on his home planet, by aging him sixty years in a matter of minutes. Superman was apparently just fine with this horrific punishment and lack of any real trial, because, hey, alien guy.
FOUR. Vartox worked briefly as a security guard. This is probably the greatest deal of overkill in a secret identity in the history of comics. Can you imagine being the petty thugs who decided to steal a pallet of toaster ovens from Vartox’ warehouse? Man, it sure would suck to be those guys. He would hit them with his various kinds of energy and do an array of things to them!
FIVE. Vartox makes a cameo in “Whatever Happened To The Man Of Tomorrow?”, which puts him one up on chumps like the Teen Titans, who have never even been in an Alan Moore comic. (Alan Moore has a secret love of thigh-high leather boots, Speedos, and shirtless vest-wearing.)
Come on. He deserves the love.
Top comment: So what’s the square thing sticking out of the calf on his right boot? Unless it’s specifically cited, I’m going to assume it’s where he keeps his Marlboro Reds because he doesn’t have any sleeves to roll them up in. — ps238principal
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Clearly inspired by Zardoz, I think.
@guayec: Clearly inspired by Zardoz, I think.
Nah, diaper isn’t red enough.
“Vartox married an alien chick who died when a woman on Earth, her “bionic twin,” was shot and killed.”
I thought that guy looked familiar… I read that comic when I was a kid! (My Grandparents still has all the comics he bought for my mom when she was young in boxes in their basement).
His clearly illustrated chest hair always stuck with me.
…I’m sorry, did you forget to mention he lived in the SOMBRERO GALAXY?
‘Gay’ is not actually the opposite of ‘manly’, Chris.
It’s a rare case where you can tell the writers of the entry are actually making fun of the character: “There is simply not room here to list the powers he has displayed so far.”
True. I mean, Superman wears a costume his mommy made. Is that manly?
The Earth-One version of Sean Connery is awesome.
Wow. Further proof that Thursdays on MGK are the best days in all the interwebs.
I know I promised to stop spamming so help me God, but God only helps those who help themselves and you guys will dig this:
http://fullbodytransplant.wordpress.com/2009/03/12/bring-your-own-squid/
Back on the wagon…
Okay, I was delighted by the Sombrero Galaxy myself, picturing all the inhabitants wearing great big floppy hats. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?
And, there’s this sentence:
“He soon discovered the menaces were created by the people themselves with a strange chanting power in a plot to secretly fill him with a type of energy that would make it possible for them to sacrifice him to a space creature which was the source of their power.”
I can’t even begin to diagram that sucker. At a rough estimate, I’d say there are 8,000 prepositions in it. Though the more I read it, the more it falls into an almost poetic pattern. Very soothing.
Vartox is clearly the inspiration for Dr. Manhattan. If you say otherwise? You are, my friend, saying bullshit.
Can you really trick someone into accompanying you somewhere voluntarily?
He thinks it’s a secret?
(Alan Moore has a secret love of thigh-high leather boots, Speedos, and shirtless vest-wearing.)
This is way Vartox’s clothing is manly, because Alan Moore says so.
So what’s the square thing sticking out of the calf on his right boot? Unless it’s specifically cited, I’m going to assume it’s where he keeps his Marlboro Reds because he doesn’t have any sleeves to roll them up in.
Is he just splashing water at that asteroid? Because I’m pretty sure that’s not gonna work.
I’m pretty sure that’s hairspray, not water.
Impossible. I don’t see a giant blue penis anywhere on that man.
“Alan Moore has a secret love of thigh-high leather boots, Speedos, and shirtless vest-wearing.”
…Secret?”
I actually watched Zardoz last week. I can truthfully say they don’t make movies like that anymore.
Only MGK thinks it’s a secret. It makes him feel clever for noticing.
“(Alan Moore has a secret love of thigh-high leather boots, Speedos, and shirtless vest-wearing.)”
WHO TOLD YOU THAT THAT WAS A SECRET
Impossible. I don’t see a giant blue penis anywhere on that man.
Dr Manhattan (and Ron Jeremy) wrote to him requesting he wear pants, because they were feeling inadequate.
Vartox once made Lobo cry just by taking off his Speedo.
“amazing array of hyper-powers”
“Sombrero Galaxy”
“bionic twin”
Frankly, I’m amazed Grant Morrison didn’t strongarm this guy into Final Crisis somehow.
The only thing that could possibly make Vartox seem sensible is if he were the psychic extension of some childlike god figure who wanted to play superhero. That would explain why his powers are indeterminable (an array of things) and yet they increase with his every appearance.
But yeah, the guy desperately needs a makeover.
“Is he just splashing water at that asteroid? Because I’m pretty sure that’s not gonna work.”
No, what he’s [i]doing[/i] is an array of things with it. With his various kinds of energy.
I’m sorry, but am I reading correctly that he’s from “the Sombrero Galaxy”?
Time-Scanoscope? i love comics
The lack of a trial is bad, but if I had the choice between spending 60 years in prison or aging 60 years in a matter of seconds, I would rather age fast.
People are going to start talking about Osterman’s schlong like they used to talk about Chuck Norris, aren’t they?
The Who’s Who picture really doesn’t do him justice. In the old action comics where he becomes a security guard (and he’s a security guard for the TV station in Metropolis where Clark works [and by the by, that’s got to be the stupidest part of Superman’s colorful life. I mean it’s established that people don’t figure out who Superman is because in part Clark isn’t really a public figure and he goes out of his way to change his voice and posture from HEROIC Superman to WIMPY Clark Kent. How does that work as a TV Anchor?]) Vartox is rocking the handlebar ‘stash and a receeding hairline. And his costume looks a lot more like the loincloth/thigh-high-boots/bandoleers look that Connery sports in Zardoz.
And the best part: His superpowers are so super that he can “Hyper-hypnotize” people into thinking that he’s Superman (shades of Saturn Girl) AND as a side-effect of his awesomeness his home planet vibrates enough to explodes.
I actually have, and have recently read, his first appearance. One of the array of things that he could do was attack with “remote control blows”.
About thirty years ago, in a waiting room, I read part of a Superman comic that had him battling some superpowerful guy who was succumbing to some bizarre disease that covered him with big polka-dots. No, seriously. Ever after, I wondered who that guy was, and what was going on. At long last, I think I’ve answered the first part, because the fellow wore a vest with no shirt and had an awesome ‘stache. I’m still not sure what was going on, but presumably it was the consequence of a whole array of things provoked by his emission of various forms of energy.
You gotta love Curt Swan’s idea of macho.
[…] supposedly artsy reputation, is CHOCKABLOCK FULL OF NERDS. Then I spied an old Action Comics with Vartox on the cover, and Matt explained that someone had asked for a sketch of Vartox wrestling Emma Peel […]
Actually, the Sombrero Galaxy is a real thing.
And he’s back!
As a date for Power Girl?!
[…] here’s the other thing: Maaldor is kind of awesome in a low-rent B-list Vartox sort of way. He’s a full-on godly being who speaks of himself exclusively in the third person […]
Man, I love Vartox. 🙂 Always have, always will. I actually tracked down some of the art from his very first appearance. 🙂