Allergy season means I get (more) easily distracted, so I find myself perusing Cracked.com a lot more lately. I kind of hate Cracked, but sometimes it gives me something interesting to complain about, so what can you do? Anyway, amid all the same-y lists like “8 Stupid Things The Man Has Tricked You Sheeple Into Believing” and “6 Incredible Facts You Already Read on Wikipedia,” I came across “5 Reasons Superhero Movies Are a Bubble That Will Soon Burst.”

The whole thing is painfully tl;dr, but the gist of it is comparing the evolution of the superhero genre to the rise and fall of New Hollywood. Essentially: Hollywood takes a chance on a new idea, the new idea is an unexpected success, Hollywood tries to make the new idea into something easily repeatable and consistently profitable, until they ruin it. It took 13 years for New Hollywood to get from Bonnie and Clyde to Heaven’s Gate, and it’s been 13 years since the first X-Men movie, ergo Guardians of the Galaxy is going to suck.

There’s a lot of problems with this reasoning, so let’s start with the big one: the guy who wrote the article has no idea what qualifies as a “superhero movie.” In tracking the development of his putative bubble, the writer refers to Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings series, the JJ Abrams Star Trek reboot and the forthcoming Disney version of the Star Wars franchise. Now, the reasoning here is to compare the film geek directors from New Hollywood with the SF/F dork directors who actually like the source material they’re adapting today. And I suppose there’s a point there–Hollywood listening to the Joss Whedons of the world is sort of a new thing, and perhaps it will fizzle out as the Cracked article suggests. But that issue is separate from the fortunes of superhero movies, the topic identified in the article’s title.

It’s also telling that the piece defines the superhero genre as launching in 2000, because X-Men was he first attempt at a superhero film since Batman & Robin apparently smote the earth with a terrible curse or something. Look, I hate Batman & Robin as much as anybody, but that only “killed” superhero movies about three years before X-Men “saved” it, so let’s not pretend that was some interminable drought for the genre. To be honest, the superhero genre has been chugging along as far back as the 1978’s Superman–the only major change that X-Men represents is that Marvel finally got in the game with its A-material. Take Marvel off the table and the volume of superhero movies for the last thirteen years doesn’t look substantially different from the 1990s.

So let’s rephrase the question to the one the article only pretends to address: Is the Marvel superhero movie bubble about to burst? I don’t see why. Cracked seems to think the current run of “for nerds by nerds” movies will give way to safer, blander blockbusters. But even if you accept this as inevitable (or think its already happened), said blockbusters would still be superhero movies. The next Star Wars isn’t going to be as groundbreaking or beloved as the first one, but Star Wars movies are still a thing which is still happening–you may think the newer ones suck more, but you can’t argue that they’re going away.

I suppose the implied question is more like “Will Marvel movies continue to be consistently good?” But that’s a fallacy anyway since there have been quite a few shitty Marvel movies already, and that didn’t stop Avengers from clicking. People act like one Marvel movie can only succeed if Marvel as a whole remains bulletproof. But that aura of invincibility depends on you only counting their tentpole franchises (X-Men, Spider-Man, Iron Man, Avengers that aren’t Iron Man), and even that subset had a stinker or two. Guardians of the Galaxy doesn’t have to be a home run because the people who gave us Elektra and Ghost Rider weren’t exactly batting a thousand to begin with.

We’re cleaning out my parents’ house (they are downsizing) and in the process we are uncovering whole mountains of crap that probably should have been thrown out years ago and some things I am glad we did not (for example, I now have all of the family Lego in a giant Rubbermaid tub in my basement and it is a lot of Lego). Suffice it to say that in the near future there’s going to be some stuff for sale here: runs of comics, a Deluxe Go-Bot still in its original packaging, that sort of thing. (My mom found a Breyer horse she had never given one of my sisters when we were still kids and we checked its value and the only appropriate phrase is “SERIOUSLY?”)

Along with toys and the good stuff, there was of course the requisite pile of old school assignments my mom never threw out, because she’s our mom and that is generally what moms do. Most of it we trashed, but we all saved a few things, and I have scanned all of mine in for digital posterity. And so, today I present to you what was either a second or third grade assignment, wherein we were ordered to write and illustrate a book. And because time illuminates, I have taken it upon myself to annotate this seminal work.

My weekly TV column is up at Torontoist.

Click on thumb to see full

As always, you can also go to the dedicated Al’Rashad site.

As a sidenote, this is as good a time as any to point out that I now have a Tumblr precisely for things like this which I want to link to but which are not really, most of the time, post-worthy in and of themselves or which I don’t feel like discussing at length. (I just really happened to like this.)

Barack Obama’s clever parenting to prevent his daughters from getting tattoos is getting press because it’s a fun story, but I think there is a reasonable argument that it also illustrates the problem with his Presidency, as follows:

The President’s plan for keeping his daughters from getting tattoos is getting “family tattoos” and showing them off on Youtube. This is obviously mortifying to any teenager – if they care about the negative consequence. Obviously the President’s daughters care, because they have been raised by loving parents, but I can think of all sorts of teenagers who would say “shyeah, whatever, Dad” and go ahead and get the tattoo anyway. Or, alternately, up the ante and play tattoo chicken by getting, say, a facial tattoo and daring their parents to try and match that when there are real social consequences to them for doing so.

In essence, the President’s strategy is predicated on his “opponents” giving a damn about the greater common good. I am sure that all readers can quickly reach the parallels inherent in this strategy with Obama’s negotiation tactics – at least during his first term – with the GOP.

Now, I know that Tomahawk is a perfectly respectable Golden Age character who lasted for over a dozen years as a feature in various DC anthology comics and then had his own title which lasted for twenty-two. He had a great villain and a bunch of unimpressive or ill-considered spinoffs, so you know he was popular. Basically, he is an important part of comics history.

That having been said, I look at this picture and just EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW and that ruins it completely. Tough break, Tomahawk. Next time, don’t be so amazingly creepy.

22.4.2013

It was not the first time I had enjoyed an espresso with Metromonte (never “Mr. Metromonte,” and I doubt it was his first name – unless he had decided it would be his only name, but it seemed rude to inquire), but it was the first time I chose to inquire about his means of acquiring funds.

“I expect that has been occupying the back of your mind for some time now,” he said, smiling gently as he put down his cup. “After all, Evil Genius is not a job which is traditionally salaried.”

“I don’t mean to be gauche, my dear fellow. But, as someone who has always pursued more – traditional – employment, I can’t help but be curious -”

He waved his hand dismissively. “Not at all. It is rather fun to talk shop from time to time.” (As an accountant I could not honestly agree, but then again, I expect this is just one of the many differences between accountancy and Evil Geniusing.) “Some Evil Geniuses are self-funded through inheritances or terrorist organizations which revere them as living gods, of course – but most of us weren’t born into the position of messiah to a cult or with familial ties to the corpocracy.” A shrug. “For those of us who come from humbler stock, the general idea is that of maximizing the utility of vulnerability.”

“You mean like that person who tried to blow up Oregon last year?”

He waved over a club attendant and handed the man a couple of bills, gesturing at the humidor behind the bar. “No, that was just a garden variety lunatic. A sensible man would have tried to blow up something on the eastern seaboard. North Carolina, perhaps. I think that might have some potential. But I digress. The general idea behind maximizing the utility of vulnerability is simple. Something is vulnerable: make money off that vulnerability.”

“I must confess, I’m still not following.”

“If something is vulnerable, it usually follows that nobody particularly cares about the vulnerability. The shopping carts in your supermarket parking lot, for example. No one particularly cares if they’re stolen, correct? Because they have no particular value outside of transporting goods to and from the supermarket, and even then are only good over short distances. However, as a general rule anything with value is vulnerable in some way, and usually that vulnerability can be exploited.” He paused, looking over the selection the attendant had brought, and selected two Black Patch Reserves, handing me one. “The obvious example is a human being’s vulnerability, which can be exploited for personal gain through kidnapping and ransom. Inelegant, to say the least, but simple and direct.”

“I see,” I said, trying to sound knowledgeable, and also trying to politely find a way not to smoke the cigar he had just bought for me.

“But ransom is an exploit which in turn gives the kidnapper vulnerability. It is thus imperfect. Oh, would you get the next round, old chap? I rather fancy an Auchentoshan.” I naturally waved at the attendant, not wanting to seem ungenerous after his kind offer of the cigar, and the alert servant immediately went to the whiskey bar, having paid attention to our conversation without ever having had the appearance of it. Metromonte smiled in anticipation. He had extolled the virtue of the Auchentoshan to me the last time we spoke a couple of weeks prior.

“No, an elegant exploit of vulnerability allows one advantage – ideally, without your mark ever having known they were ill-used. Most con men performing long cons, for example, aim to have their mark totally unaware of the scheme even after their bilking.” The attendant arrived with the Auchentoshan in two squat glasses, and we both sipped. It was sweet with cinnamon undertones and much smoother than most single malts, and I enjoyed it immensely.

Metromonte examined his glass, admiring the golden tones of the booze within. “For example. I purchase two Black Patches, knowing full well that you do not smoke, but also knowing you will be embarrassed by the generous gesture and that, if I suggest you get us a round, you will do so. I also know you are not a Scotch drinker particularly, so you will not be aware that I have just suggested we partake of something that costs approximately five thousand dollars per bottle – but I also know it is a damned fine whisky, and that it is likely you will greatly enjoy it. I know you will simply put it on your monthly tab, so you may well not even notice the expense. And if you do – well, you had a fine whisky, and two glasses will not break you. Meanwhile, I have had a hundred-and-fifty glass of Scotch for the cost of two cigars, and while Black Patches are truly lovely smokes, they are only six dollars apiece. Since I will get to smoke at least one of them, I thus effectively profited twenty-five hundred percent on the six dollar cigar I purchased for you – assuming you don’t simply give it back to me, since you don’t smoke.” He shrugged. “And that is how it works. When I don’t explain it to you.”

I suspect my jaw was hanging, a combination of his amazing plot and the cost of the Auchentoshan. Metromonte laughed a bit. “Oh, not to worry. I’ll cover the cost of the drinks, my friend. As an Evil Genius, I do quite well, and it is always enjoyable to explain one’s process, isn’t it?” He sipped at his drink.

“I am terribly impressed, I have to admit. But it seems that this doesn’t quite scale so effectively. Am I missing something? I have always associated Evil Geniuses with loud, arrogant schemes involving massive destruction. Granted, often it was for economic benefit, but -”

Metromonte sighed. “Those damned trust-fund babies and their war-blimps give us all a bad reputation. Far more cost-effective to work in the shadows. Attention is costly. If you want an example… well, I would point to today. I had a very good day today, you see, and I think you might recognize why. You follow stocks, correct?”

I nodded. “Indeed I do, and today was a startling day. There was a false headline, apparently – the Associated Press generated something via social media claiming that there was to be an economic downturn, but it was a false headline that was the result of a hacked account, and…” I trailed off. “My word, that was you?”

“Naturally. And I think you can guess why, given our conversation.”

“Did you short stocks? The market lost about $150 billion, I read.” I paused. “Did you make a hundred and fifty billion dollars today?”

Metromonte laughed out loud. “Oh, my friend, of course not. And no, I didn’t short stocks. Shorting draws attention. However, I had a good idea of how quickly stocks would drop, and then how quickly the financial world would discover that the Tweet in question was untrue. I simply bought low, and sold high – the standard of any day trader. I spread it out over several aliases, of course, but between those aliases I profited about forty-seven million dollars.” A pause. “Really, once you have some money, it’s dreadfully easy to make more of it. The Evil Geniusing is practically a hobby these days, but I need to keep myself busy somehow, and I don’t want to do crochet. Besides, I rather fancy that the world would be better with me in charge of at least part of it, so it’s really sort of charity work.”

“You could go into finance?”

He shook his head. “I’m an Evil Genius by nature, and finance, despite what you may have heard, is not a genius-heavy occupation. Short-term thinkers and bullyboys looking for a quick score, and not much else. Really, you can almost sympathize with that fellow who threatened Wall Street with an orbital laser. Not my style, perhaps, but that man definitely knew how to pick his targets. I understand his Kickstarter campaign to fire the laser earned two million before they shut it down.”

“Mmm.” I said. The whisky really was very good.

My weekly TV column is up at Torontoist.

Click on thumb to see full

As always, you can also go to the dedicated Al’Rashad site.

Looking for a comic artist, 4-5 pages, superheroic, unpaid – just a fun thing somebody suggested and I wouldn’t mind doing. Interested parties can email me.

Allan Gregg is confused:

If negative advertising is so effective, maybe the media and politicians should ask themselves why other big advertisers (who are far more experienced and savvy) do not employ these same tactics. Just like the electoral process, it is safe to assume that McDonald’s wants to take market share from Burger King. They also know that the quickest and most immediate way of doing this would be to launch an ad campaign that claimed their competitor’s product contained botulism. Burger King could neutralize McDonald’s advantage by countering that Big Macs are rife with e-coli. This attack and counterattack might “work” to the extent that it would affect market share but it is not employed by McDonald’s and Burger King because they know it will destroy the category and pretty soon no one would ever buy a hamburger again. In other words, they are smart enough to know that the business they are in is not just about taking market share from the other guy … it’s about making consumers believe in eating hamburgers.

So while focusing on your opponent’s weakness rather than your own virtues might lead to a short term electoral advantage, over time, it will create a cascade of political cynicism. If you say “politician A is a crook” often enough, it is only a matter of time before the public comes to believe that all politicians are crooks. That is what is happening now and these are the seeds that defenders of negative advertising are sewing.

But Allan “oh, by the way, it was me who pushed for the infamous let’s-make-fun-of-Jean-Chretien’s-palsy advertisements in the 1993 campaign which bombed horribly” Gregg is completely skipping past the point, which is that creating political cynicism is not a cost of negative advertising; it is a benefit, because reducing the amount of politically engaged citizens makes elections easier to predict and manipulate. McDonald’s doesn’t do vicious negative advertising because if they taint the process of eating a hamburger they lose money; the Tories do negative advertising because if they taint the electoral process they effectively save money, to say nothing of making it easier to gain or maintain power.

This is really staggeringly obvious.

There are some comics out there that for some reason just didn’t get the kind of success they deserved. ‘Leave It To Chance’, the series by James Robinson and Paul Smith, was a huge critical success that won the Harvey and the Eisner Awards for Best New Series in its first year, and yet it only ran for thirteen issues, the last appearing in 2002, seemingly never to be seen again. And yet ‘Wolverine: Origins’ ran for fifty issues. Sometimes there ain’t no justice.

Because the thirteen issues that did run were absolutely fantastic. The series was a high-concept blend of elements from ‘Doctor Strange’, ‘Harry Potter’ and ‘His Dark Materials’, although the series itself predated at least some of these. It concerns Chance Falconer, the daughter of a famous wizard and mystic guardian, who’s eager to follow in her father’s footsteps. Her father, who has been a powerful wizard long enough to know that it’s a hard path to walk and is filled with pain and heartache to spare, forbids her from studying magic. This goes about as well as you’d expect these sorts of things to go, not because Chase is willful or disobedient but because she knows without being told that her father has made tremendous sacrifices for the sake of the world, and she’s mature enough to want to grow up to be her father’s daughter. So she makes friends with a small dragon (yes, it’s shades of Paul Smith’s X-Men run, but the man draws freaking adorable baby dragons, so fuckit) and goes about helping people in her own small way with her own modest magical talents.

The stories are well-written; the character of Chance is charming, and the supporting cast is great as well. (My favorite moment is when the dragon is batting at a computer’s screensaver like a kitten.) The series is collected in two volumes, and I really don’t want to say anything more for fear of spoilers. I will say this, though. When people read ‘Justice League: Cry for Justice’ and wondered just what the fuck happened to James Robinson, they said it because they were all thinking of series like this.

Well, that trailer got just about everything absolutely right. The music is appropriately triumphant. The overall message is about the hope Superman instills in others. Most of the action shots are of him saving people (well, except for where he is super-fighting Zod and holy shit does that ever look great).

I am stoked. I’m going to have to donate money to the CBLDF or some other comics-related charity in the cost of my ticket to feel okay with giving DC any of my money with all of their bullshit treatment of creators (and particularly the Siegel and Shuster estates in this case), but daaaaaaaamn.