4
Feb
4
Feb
No, seriously. It’s quite possibly the single most witless thing David Brooks has ever written, and given that this is David Brooks that is saying something.
4
Feb
“War. War never changes.” Which is why in order to beat it, you have to change instead.
Terraforming? Doesn’t work.
Well, it does. It just doesn’t work at any speed that’s meaningful to any civilization. Even the quickest terraforming techniques take centuries to transform dead worlds into only moderately livable ones. (There was this one set of experiments with the Speed Force in the mid-2600s – but that’s a whole other story…)
Think about that for a second. Hundreds of years. Most humanoid civilizations don’t have the lifespan necessary to consider terraforming on any serious emotional or mental level. Think about how hard it is to get global warming policies enacted right now, when we pretty much know that we’re fucked as a species if we don’t get on the horn immediately. Now let’s extend the scope of action even further. That’s terraforming. It’s hard for a government to initiate a series of actions that have the potential to outlast the lifespan of the government itself.
So terraforming barely ever happens. Alien civilizations guard their lush systems with near-paranoia because the perception is that that’s all there is – and as perceptions go, it’s mostly not wrong. Dead worlds serve as mining camps and little else, because everybody learns soon enough that there’s no point in stripping your own world’s metals when there are perfectly good asteroids nearby.
But of course there are outliers. Fringers ekeing out an existence on rimworlds barely capable of sustaining life. The United Planets, the Khund, what used to be the Dominion, and every other small stellar empire occasionally send out a tax collector, but really, who cares? They show up every so often, sell some raw minerals, buy some food – it’s money into the economy and who cares about them otherwise, right?
But there’s one system, smack dab between the Khund and the United Planets – the two giant gorillas of interstellar politics. Four planets, all barely inhabitable, all desert worlds with fringertowns and rimvilles. They’re called the Sandworlds, when anybody bothers to wonder what their name is. Nobody lays claim to it; the locals trade with both the Khund and the UP. And that’s pretty much it.
Until a routine UP surveyor ship, using the system as a stop point to recharge jump engines, notices that one of the worlds is suddenly a lush jungle paradise. And Khund intelligence finds out soon after. And then suddenly the issue of claim is very important indeed.
Nobody quite knows how that desert world became a rich life-bearing planet. (Even if the world was transformed into fertile soil, where did all the plants come from?) But it doesn’t matter, because this is the Holy Grail of interstellar colonization. (How much energy does it take to do this thing, anyway? Where do you even begin to get it?) And the fleets mobilize, and move into the Sandworlds system, because you can’t let anybody else have this technology if they won’t share it.
And that’s why Timber Wolf in particular is positive that somebody’s running a giant scam. Somebody wants the Khund to go to war with the United Planets. He doesn’t know why – but he knows this stinks. And what’s more, the United Planets government won’t let the Legion investigate, because they want that technology for the UP so badly they can taste it and no way some bunch of punk kids are going to ruin this – so the Legion gets drafted into the UP military.
This isn’t a story about battles and war – like we said, war never changes, and it’s always the same story with different trappings. This is a story about spying. Because, more than most superhero teams, the Legion has a proud tradition of being willing to out-sneak the bad guys just as often as they out-fight them. This is a story where Mon-El and Ultra Boy are the distraction to let Invisible Kid and Chameleon do the real work.
In short – this is a story about the Legion Espionage Squad.
3
Feb
Recently, I was surfing the net looking for lols, and came across a personal ad on Craigslist. The ad was not in and of itself hilarious, but one thing struck me. The writer described herself as “nerdy,” and as an example of her nerdiness, explained that she loved to watch Desperate Housewives.
My god, people, have we allowed “nerdy” to be defined down so greatly that watching Desperate Housewives – a top 20 Neilsen primetime soap opera with no actual nerd content per se – qualifies as “nerdy” now? That is just wrong. The nerdular act cannot be allowed to be so mainstream. At this rate, in five years’ time anything that is not going out, getting wasted and watching strippers and/or football will count as “nerdy.” The word will lose all meaning! This cannot be borne!
Hence, I have prepared a handy guide for people to define their own nerdiness, based on a number of nerdistic passions. Quantification is the key, you see.
BATMAN
Not Nerdy: Going to see The Dark Knight in theatres
Slightly Nerdy: Dressing up as the Joker for Halloween (Heath Ledger version)
Fairly Nerdy: Buying Batman comics other than Year One or The Dark Knight Returns
Nerdy: Dressing up as the Joker for Halloween (Cesar Romero version)
Really Nerdy: Writing Batman fan fiction
Dangerously Nerdy: Writing Batman fan fiction where he has sex with Alfred
STAR WARS
Not Nerdy: Seeing the movies
Slightly Nerdy: Owning a toy lightsaber
Fairly Nerdy: Learning to play the Cantina Song on your musical instrument of choice
Nerdy: Knowing in which “expanded universe” novel Admiral Ackbar dies
Really Nerdy: Membership in a Stormtrooper fan brigade
Dangerously Nerdy: Defending the idea of Jar Jar Binks
HARRY POTTER
Not Nerdy: You read the books
Slightly Nerdy: You liked all of the books
Fairly Nerdy: You own a wand
Nerdy: You read fanfic that “fixes Rowling’s mistakes”
Really Nerdy: You are a fan of “wizard rock”
Dangerously Nerdy: You have an alternate “Hogwarts persona”
MAGIC: THE GATHERING
Not Nerdy: “They still make that? I played it when I was in high school for a bit, but never got into it”
Slightly Nerdy: “Yeah, it was fun, but I couldn’t keep up with all the expansions so I sold my cards”
Fairly Nerdy: “Do you mind if I use a proxy for Nicol Bolas? I mean, he’s forty bucks”
Nerdy: “You haven’t really played this game until you play draft; it’s how the game is meant to be played”
Really Nerdy: “Okay, if we’re all supposed to be planeswalkers, how come there are planeswalker cards? Am I Ajani? I don’t feel like a lion-man”
Dangerously Nerdy: “I’ve tested this deck against all comers and now all I need is to win free airfare and I’m on my way to the World Championships in Tokyo”
H.P. LOVECRAFT
Not Nerdy: Recognizing the name “Cthulhu”
Slightly Nerdy: Knowing the proper pronunciation of “Cthulhu” (EDIT: k’too-loo, for those wondering)
Fairly Nerdy: Owning a Cthulhu plushie
Nerdy: Running a Call of Cthulhu campaign
Really Nerdy: Organizing a chapter of the Campus Crusade For Cthulhu
Dangerously Nerdy: Actually reading any of Lovecraft’s stories
NERD TELEVISION
Not Nerdy: Lost
Slightly Nerdy: Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Fairly Nerdy: Battlestar Galactica
Nerdy: Stargate: Atlantis
Really Nerdy: Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog
Dangerously Nerdy: The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.
STAR TREK
Not Nerdy: The Next Generation
Slightly Nerdy: Deep Space Nine
Fairly Nerdy: the one where Picard rides a dune buggy
Nerdy: any of the novels
Really Nerdy: owning a phaser
Dangerously Nerdy: speaking fluent Klingon
COMPUTER USE
Not Nerdy: Macs
Slightly Nerdy: Knowing how to use Windows rather than just knowing “how to do emails”
Fairly Nerdy: Knowing the actual reasons Windows sucks
Nerdy: Anything to do with Linux
Really Nerdy: Getting all of the coding jokes in XKCD
Dangerously Nerdy: “I’m bringing BeOS back!”
3
Feb
There’s a river flooding! And a horse in danger! What can possibly be done?
Well, maybe you just ride that horse along the river wreckage, if your name is Rex the motherfucking Wonder Dog.
2
Feb
My weekly TV column is up at Torontoist.
2
Feb
1
Feb
…but scientists have figured out a way to potentially use nuclear waste as a fuel source for fusion energy.
31
Jan
Say I had found a piece of fanfic.
Say it was erotic fanfic.
Now say that the fanfic featured two comic book characters having sex with one another, but that the author has a serious sweat fetish – not only does he focus on the individual characters sweating, but in fact has them actively fetishize the act of sweating, indeed so much so that the characters turn up the heat where they are having sex so they can sweat more, and furthermore that they choose to use sweat as a lubricant.
Yeah, I know, pretty freaky. But here is my question:
what two superhero characters do you think were in the story?
(Yes, it’s real. No, I’m not going to link to it.)
29
Jan
Oh, god, this movie is going to be a classic piece of crap. I can’t wait.
29
Jan
“Fear me, Legionnaires! I am your doom! For mine is the power of ultimate bondage!
I see that your taut, sinewy muscles struggle against my cosmo-restraints! But your struggle is futile. Even as solitary beads of sweat inevitably roll down your lean, firm stomachs, so is your continued imprisonment within my clutches inevitable! There is no safeword you can utter that shall free you, Legionnaires! The 30th century belongs to Grimbor the Chainsman!
For Cosmic Boy, chains of invulnerable ceramic! For Element Lad, ropes of solid, untransmutable energy! For Colossal Boy and Shrinking Violet, size-changing proton-bonds! For Chameleon Boy, shape-adaptive manacles! For Dawnstar, Tyborian wing-shackles! For Mon-El, links of superdense Zarnium, laced with lead! For Karate Kid – well, for Karate Kid I just have regular old chains, to be honest, but they will do the job! There is no Legionnaire that Grimbor cannot entangle!
Within my confines, Legionnaires, you are vulnerable! And within my confines – which imprison, but do not harm, at least not without prior consent – you shall ultimately submit to the authority of Grimbor! Only through submission shall you be freed!”
The early 70s were a different time.
28
Jan
ME: So the federal budget got announced –
FLAPJACKS: Oh, god, are we going to have the boring budget conversation? Stimulus infrastructure spending jobs jobs jobs. There. I said everything we could ever say about the budget. Can we talk about Left 4 Dead now?
ME: What is there to talk about? It’s a good game.
FLAPJACKS: I have moral issues with it.
ME: About a game where you shoot zombies.
FLAPJACKS: Yes.
ME: I somehow know I’m going to regret asking why you have moral issues with it.
FLAPJACKS: Well, technically they are not “zombies.” They are “infected.” Which is why they can run fast like in 28 Days Later, see. So that means that these are simply poor diseased people.
ME: But in the game society has completely broken down as a result of there being so many zombies, and as a result of their proclivity to murder anything living.
FLAPJACKS: But isn’t that breakdown our failure? Why are we punishing the poor, sick people who, were they in their right non-zombified minds, would be horrified by their actions, and also not very likely to chase after a pipebomb like they were cats pouncing on yarn?
ME: The pipebomb thing is weird, isn’t it?
FLAPJACKS: The game seems to say that zombies will chase after anything that beeps. So that begs the question: why don’t you get more things that beep? Screw the guns, I’m gonna go find me some battery-operated clock-radios. They’ll keep me alive longer. You don’t go to the gun shop; you find yourself a Radio Shack and you’re ready for any undead zombie swarm.
ME: But the superior zombies, the ones with powers – they ignore the beeping. So you need guns to take care of the big bad undead.
FLAPJACKS: Clearly second-stage undeath gives one eardrums of steel.
ME: I don’t think that’s right.
FLAPJACKS: And another thing. How come you can only carry one grenade in this game? Is that even remotely realistic?
ME: Sure it is.
FLAPJACKS: How is that realistic? Grenades are small.
ME: Think about it. Say you are wearing pants with pockets, a shirt, and shoes –
FLAPJACKS: And socks.
ME: All right, and socks.
FLAPJACKS: I don’t want my shoes to smell like feet in the zombie apocalypse.
ME: Yes. Okay. Socks. Anyway, my point is this: you wear the medpack like it is a backpack. You have your pistols in holsters. You have your primary gun slung over your shoulder when you don’t use it. This leaves you two pockets: one can hold your pain-pills, and the other holds a grenade. You don’t have room to carry a second grenade. Especially when you consider that your options are either a Molotov cocktail or a pipebomb, neither of which is exactly compact.
FLAPJACKS: Firstly, where are all the real grenades? I mean, you find dead Army guys all over the place in this game, and frequently you find huge piles of ammunition and assault rifles and combat shotguns just, like, lying around. They didn’t bring any grenades?
ME: What good would real grenades be, though? They don’t beep and they don’t set zombies on fire. Maybe the soldiers used all the real grenades and found out the hard way that grenades aren’t that useful against a zombie swarm.
FLAPJACKS: Actually, that makes sense.
ME: Of course it does.
FLAPJACKS: All right, I withdraw my complaint about the lack of proper grenades. But that doesn’t address my other issue, which is “why don’t I get, like, a fanny pack or something in which I could store extra Molotovs or pipebombs.”
ME: Well, you’d need the fanny-pack to be front-slung, right? For easy grenade access.
FLAPJACKS: Yes.
ME: So do you really want that much gunpowder and/or kerosene right up against your crotch?
FLAPJACKS: …point.
ME: There we go.
FLAPJACKS: Still, I would like to press the development team to include some of my ideas for the next patch.
ME: Oh, Christ, not the elephant stampede again.
FLAPJACKS: Come on. It would be the ultimate powerup. There is no problem an elephant stampede cannot potentially solve.
ME: Putting aside the question of why there would be enough elephants to stampede the zombies in the first place, and the question of how one could realistically summon a herd of elephants in this post-apocalyptic scenario, wouldn’t summoning the elephants be problematic?
FLAPJACKS: Why?
ME: Ever think that maybe the elephant stampede might be counterproductive?
FLAPJACKS: No.
ME: Well, what if you got caught in the elephant stampede? Or a teammate?
FLAPJACKS: Or Nelson Mandela?
ME: …what is Nelson Mandela doing in the zombie apocalypse?
FLAPJACKS: He survived brutal imprisonment for thirty years. He’d be able to handle some lousy zombies.
ME: Anyway, that’s my point. The elephant stampede – quite apart from being ridiculous – would be counterproductive.
FLAPJACKS: But that is exactly why it has to be included. It demands a greater degree of playskill to use effectively. It is not a bludgeon, but a scalpel.
ME: A scalpel that is made of maddened elephants.
FLAPJACKS: Exactly so.
27
Jan
Majel Barrett-Roddenberry and Gene Roddenberry’s remains will be sent together into space.
Come on – that’s pretty damned romantic.
27
Jan
1993: Saved By The Bell: The College Years debuts to thunderous acclaim after the original Saved By The Bell‘s Saturday morning run ends. The College Years leads its timeslot for the entire first season, and NBC commits to seasons two through four early on, locking up the actors at lower pay rates while they still can.
1993: Saved By The Bell: The New Class debuts on Saturday mornings, replacing the original Saved By The Bell’s slot in NBC’s Saturday morning lineup. Like its predecessor, it has tremendous success.
1994: After one season, NBC moves The New Class to Tuesday nights, creating the infamous “Bell block,” which becomes a ratings juggernaut.
1994: Tori Spelling leaves Beverly Hills, 90210 and rejoins the Bell cast in her role of Violet Anne Bickerstaff, Screech’s longrunning love interest. In order to make room for Spelling in the cast, NBC fires Kiersten Warren, who plays the nerdy-yet-cute Alex Tabor.
1994: Release of Saved By The Bell Rocks!, an album of teenpop “inspired” by the series.
1995: NBC debuts Saved By The Bell: Classless, a one-hour comedy-drama featuring Lark Voorhies and Elizabeth Berkeley (the two Bell principal cast members who did not sign on with The College Years) as their old characters Lisa Tuttle and Jessie Spano, who are now college dropouts trying to get by as Chicago waitresses/improv comedians. The show does not equal the ratings success of the Bell block, but performs respectably and lasts for three seasons before being cancelled.
1995: As the third season of The College Years comes to a close, NBC shocks the world by announcing that the fourth season of The College Years will be its last, citing ramping production costs as the reason. Industry insiders comment differently, claiming that hardball contract negotiation tactics on NBC’s part caused the rift. The fact that New Class will remain at NBC through 1997 causes many onlookers to wonder about the future of the Bell universe.
1996: Moments after the final episode of College Years airs, ABC announces that their fall lineup for the next year will include Saved By The Bell: AfterClass, a new one-hour dramedy featuring Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Tiffani-Amber Thiessen as Zack and Kelly Morris, “entering the biggest Bell adventure of them all: parenthood.” Notably, AfterClass features no other Bell alums, although execs state that Dustin Diamond has been invited to “visit” the show for a potential guest appearance as Screech.
1996: NBC announces that Diamond’s contract obligations to NBC through The New Class will prevent him from appearing on AfterClass. Diamond threatens to sue NBC for damages to his career, and the New Class cast stands with him in solidarity.
1996: Kiersten Warren releases her tell-all book, Head Left Ringing, which luridly details the fast lives of the extended Bell cast. Warren claims that her firing was due in part to her refusal to partake in Bell sex orgies, because as the “new girl” it was her “duty” to service Dustin Diamond and Dennis “Mr. Belding” Haskins, who according to Warren had a penchant for double-penetrative sex. Warren also claims that the infamous “Jessie gets hooked on speed” episode was based on an actual cocaine addiction within the cast, although Elizabeth Berkeley was not the addict in question. The book tops the New York Times bestseller list for sixteen weeks.
1996: NBC fires Dennis Haskins and Dustin Diamond without explanation, replacing them on The New Class with Mario Lopez, recurring his A.C. Slater role as Bayside High’s new principal. Diamond goes on a rage-filled bender in Las Vegas and is arrested for dangerous driving and possession of a drug known as “llama cocaine.” Haskins announces in a press conference that he is selling all his possessions and moving to Tibet to study inner peace.
1997: After one year on The New Class, Mario Lopez leaves the show, saying that he only ever intended to put in a year to “stabilize” the troubled series, whose cast have been swapped and replaced constantly. He is replaced by Bob Golic, who played the student advisor on The College Years.
1997: Dustin Diamond is acquitted of all charges due to police misconduct in his arrest, and promptly gives a profanity-laden interview to media waiting outside the courthouse, repeatedly referring to NBC management as “cocksuckers” and calling out Mark-Paul Gosselaar for “never coming through” on promises of a recurring guest appearance on AfterClass. He announces he will go on tour with a lounge act in the next year.
1997: Comedian/magician Ed Alonzo, AKA “The Max,” is found dead in a back alley in Columbus, Ohio. Authorities suspect foul play as his death was “presumably due to bludgeoning.”
1997: ABC announces the debut of Saved By The Alarm Bell, a one-hour action/procedural series about private security forces, starring Mario Lopez, Elizabeth Berkeley and Leanna Creel (reprising her “Tori Scott” character from the final season of the original Saved By The Bell). Almost immediately, rumours emerge from shooting about a feud between Berkeley and Creel, with Berkeley claiming Creel to be a “wannabe” and Creel saying Berkeley is a “druggie princess.” Similarly, Lopez is rumoured to be having sex with both of his costars.
1998: Dustin Diamond’s lounge act fails to cover its operating expenses for the third tour date in a row and his road crew and band quit. Three weeks later, Diamond declares bankruptcy. Three weeks after that, he accepts a job on QVC, vowing to turn the Dustin Diamond Sales Hour into “the hottest hour of must-see TV on QVC.”
1998: Lark Voorhies is arrested for the murder of Ed Alonzo. Voorhies pleads not guilty by reason of self-defense, claiming that during her time on the original Bell, Alonso fathered her love-child, and that he had grown obsessive and violent in his wishes to see their daughter, to the point of stalking and attacking her outside of the “Beller” convention in Columbus in 1997.
1998: Saved By The Alarm Bell is cancelled after only one season. The cancellation is met with loud and public derision from many former The New Class actors, all of whom consider the original Bell cast to be living off luck and timing.
1999: Lark Voorhies is sentenced to fifteen years in jail for manslaughter. Her appeal is personally funded by Mark-Paul Gosselaar. It fails.
1999: QVC fires Dustin Diamond. Diamond vows to “set the standup world on fire,” and relocates to New York City, hitting comedy clubs non-stop. New York’s comedy culture swiftly ostracizes him, and he soon has no option but to play third-tier clubs in New Jersey.
2000: Citing personal reasons among cast members, ABC brings to an end the popular AfterClass, with Kelly and Zack giving birth to twins in the final episode. Mark-Paul Gosselaar uses his now-vast personal fortune to start up several dot-com B2B enterprises, all of which prove moderately successful and all of which make him richer. He grows more secluded over time.
2000: Tiffani-Amber Thiessen converts to Scientology.
2001: ABC reveals that as part of its fall lineup, it will air a seven-episode miniseries entitled Saved By The Bell: Class Struggle, wherein every single Bell alumnus will come together in an epic story about the future of Bayside High, now potentially the site for a new shopping center. At press conferences, development executives admit that getting Lark Voorhies temporarily released for work orders has been “difficult.” They also admit that Dustin Diamond has been holding out for more money.
2002: Mark-Paul Gosselaar drops out of the much-delayed and deeply troubled Class Struggle, claiming that the cast are “covered in filthy, filthy germs.” A fistfight breaks out on set between Dustin Diamond and three New Class actors when the former calls them “posers.” The miniseries’ development and production costs will eventually top well over $100 million, much of that due to the climactic “Bayside Inferno” scene, which in addition to costing $20 million claims the lives of Dennis Haskins and Hayley Mills.
2003: Class Struggle finally airs, having become the most expensive television production of all time thanks to lawsuits from the Haskins and Mills estates. It receives a critical and popular drubbing, scoring abysmal Neilsen ratings and mockery from all quarters. Tom Shales writes “I have seen more hubris in this production than in a thousand viewings of Ishtar. What was once great has become mundane thanks to the constant injection of Hollywood dollars into a story that was once pristine and true – a simple story of a blonde boy who spoke to the camera has become a pretentious nightmare.”
2005: Dustin Diamond is sentenced to twelve years in prison for trafficking in llama cocaine.
2008: Lark Voorhies is released from prison on an early parole for good behaviour.
2009: The CW announces that in 2010 it will air a series entitled Bell, starring “the next generation of Bayside students.” Tiffani-Amber Theissen and Mark-Paul Gosselaar (now both emerging from extensive post-traumatic therapy) star in supporting roles as parents of Cynthia Morris, the wisecracking, conniving daughter of Zack and Kelly. Lark Voorhies signs to a recurring guest role as Lisa Tuttle. The CW officially demands that the word “Screech” never be uttered on set.
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