In relation to Betty Cooper’s obvious insanity, I give you this, brought to my attention by Jaime Weinman:

This would be Betty, trying to murder Archie, because Archie had the temerity to blow off a date with her.

What’s worse is that Archie clearly has no idea about how crazy Betty is, and Jughead clearly sees it. Poor Jughead must spend half his time trying to warn Archie and the other half worried for his life. He sips his malteds down at the Chok’Lit Shoppe, eyes darting about, staying alert for the crazy blonde bitch who’s determined to fuck and ritually slaughter his buddy (and possibly not in that order). Does she know he knows? Is she, even now, planning his death? 1

Imagine the conversations we never see.

ARCHIE: So that Mr. Weatherbee, huh? What a crazy old guy.
JUGHEAD: Yeah, Archie, that’s great. Say, how about Betty?
ARCHIE: Right! I totally asked her out Friday night like you said I should.
JUGHEAD: I said you should go talk to the police about Betty. How did you get from that to “ask her out?”
ARCHIE: Man. I don’t know. Why should I talk to the police about ol’ Betty?
(JUGHEAD rubs his face exhaustedly.)
JUGHEAD: She painted a mural of you, naked, on the side of the school, with the words “Worship Him” underneath.
ARCHIE: Now come on, Jug ol’ pal. There was that fig leaf.
JUGHEAD: Arch, you’re not getting it. Betty is –
(Enter BETTY.)
JUGHEAD: – here! Betty! Hello! How ya doin’?
BETTY: (ignoring him) Archie, I just wanted you to know that Friday night, I’m going to do something very special for you.
ARCHIE: That’s great, Betts! Your cookies are always fantastic! But be sure to bring enough for everybody?
BETTY: …for everybody?
ARCHIE: Yeah, for the beach party? The one we’re going to? Ronnie and Moose and Reggie and everybody will be there.
BETTY: Ronnie will be there.
ARCHIE: Yeah, Jug and I were talking and –
JUGHEAD: And Archie, Archie all by himself, thought maybe the whole gang should meet up Friday. And then he went out and invited everybody without even consulting with me! Or I would have said, “Arch, maybe you should just take Betty.”
(BETTY stares at JUGHEAD, long and emotionlessly.)
BETTY: I see.
JUGHEAD: Good. That’s good.
BETTY: Well, I’ll be sure to bring plenty of… cookies Friday night. Hey, do you know what Ronnie will be wearing?
ARCHIE: She said something about a skimpy bikini.
BETTY: I bet she did.
JUGHEAD: Whoa, look at the time! We’ll be late for class!
BETTY: We can’t let that happen, can we? Bye, guys!
(BETTY exits.)
ARCHIE: Man, I can’t wait! Seeing my two best girls in skimpy bikinis!
JUGHEAD: Christ, you’re an idiot.

Top comment: You are all fooled. Archie isn’t an idiot. He knows exactly what’s going on. He’s playing the entire town because that’s how he get’s his kicks.

Whatever that may be. — Zenrage

1. The pins on Jughead’s hat have their tips dipped in various antidotes. Jughead knows that Betty has studied extensively on rare and exotic poisons. Should one of his burgers come with a “special surprise,” he’ll be ready to jab himself and live. [↩]

Top comment: Y’know how I know he’s evil? He’s sitting on what appears to be a big, uncomfortable chair. And as far as I know, all evil beings hate comfort. — RobotKeaton

LIKED

– Batman and Robin #1 I liked for two reasons. Firstly I liked it because it was a fantastic, fun comic and return to form for “good” Grant Morrison (as opposed to the “eh” Grant Morrison of Final Crisis). But more importantly, I liked it because now I can start a pool wherein whoever is closest to figuring out how late each of the first twelve issues is wins the pot. (I am guessing #1-3 on time, #4 a week late, #5 three weeks late, #6 five weeks late, #7-8 two months late, #9 two months two weeks late, #10-11 six weeks late, #12 one month late.)

– For Dead Set, the British miniseries about zombies attacking the set of Big Brother, I will make an exception to my “zombies are the new tired old meme” belief, because at least this is zombies with a clever twist, and so long as I don’t just get handed another frigging zombie story (which most zombie stories, let us be honest, are), I am fine with it. Come on, you have to love any series that turns Davina McCall into a zombie and does it straight up.

– Also an exception to my general zombie disinterest: Pontypool, the zombies-as-memetic-disease horror film from Bruce McDonald. Given that Bruce McDonald (Dance Me Outside, Highway 67, and so forth) is generally a pretty awesome filmmaker, I went into this with high expectations. I was not disappointed; he’s still got that same clever sense of timing that always makes his films so surprising when you don’t expect it.

DIDN’T LIKE

– I got to see Land of the Lost for free and that is about what it was worth. Why doesn’t Will Ferrell do more movies like Stranger Than Fiction? I mean, it was a critical success, did okay at the box office (not that Ferrell needs it, he’s got to be richer than Midas by this point), and Ferrell said he enjoyed making it, so why aren’t there a few more good quirky dramedies being offered to him? It would be nice to see Ferrell play something other than Loud Shouty Asshole (But Not Really An Asshole) Guy again and again.

– Got about twenty minutes into Sex Drive, which I watched because multiple people told me it was a cut above the usual dumb sex comedy, and then gave up because it is decidely not a cut above the usual dumb sex comedy. In fact it is rather below a cut. Can something be below the cut? This was below the cut.

(Hello to all of John Rogers’ close personal friends and relations. My, but there are quite a lot of you.)

People nowadays look back at Amethyst: Princess of Gemworld and can’t help but wonder what people were thinking. Nowadays the concept of an ongoing fantasy comics series targeting young girls seems like the sort of thing that makes DC editorial go “hsssst!” and then cower in the darkness. “Catering to different demographicsss.. it burns us, precious, it burrrrrns.”

But here’s the rub: Amethyst was actually pretty goddamned good for what it was, namely an all-ages fantasy epic. It had perfectly acceptable writing and gorgeous art by Ernie Colon, and a fully realized world that was imaginative and unlike “our” world to an extent that made it fresh and exciting. Twelve houses based on birthstones? A world where everybody uses magic and where the laws of physics don’t necessarily apply? It was pretty wicked awesome, doing a lot of what the Harry Potter books did, and long before J.K. Rowling was telling people about how she came up with Harry Potter when she was broke in a cafe somewhere.

It begs the question why there hasn’t been a relaunch or reboot. Can you imagine Neil Gaiman getting his hands on this? Admittedly, Amethyst showed up briefly in Infinite Crisis – but that, much like just about everything to do with Infinite Crisis, was something of a bad idea. (Actually pretty much everything to do with DC trying to integrate Gemworld into the DC Universe proper was kind of a bad idea. Turning Gemworld into Zerox, the Sorcerer’s Planet? Bad idea. Making Amethyst a Lord of Order? Bad idea. It’s your classic case of square peg into dork-shaped hole.)

Of course, to have a great fantasy epic you need a great villain, and Amethyst had one – Dark Opal, one of the truly great fantasy comics badasses of all time. (You know he’s evil because he put “Dark” in front of his name. That’s just classy. He advertises his evilness. Dr. Doom would approve.) And… just look at him, will you? That is fucking awesome visual design right there. That is a villain who will fuck your shit up. It is obvious just from that artwork that Dark Opal is not only a magician but knows how to cut you to pieces with a sword (which he does). Plus he has crazy tattoos and blue skin and an amulet that mirrors his facial expressions. That is some awesomely fucked up shit right there.

Dark Opal is like an evil version of Valda. (Who not coincidentally was also drawn by Ernie Colon. Man, Ernie Colon was so great.) Sometimes you just see a character and you know: this guy is just waiting to be wicked cool once again.

(No, I’m not going to write “30 Reasons Why I Should Write Gemworld.”)

Top comment: Man, I love how *stabby* he looks. Bad guys just aren’t stabby-looking enough these days. — Cookie McCool

Recently, the news that Archie will propose to Veronica has been sweeping the nation. Much like how Captain America died or Batman died. Now it is Archie Comics’ turn to temporarily revive the fortunes of a flagging intellectual property through a shamless stunt.

Of course, this particular move, like so many others, has been met with criticism. Mostly because Archie is marrying Veronica. Most comics fans don’t like Veronica, believing her to be a stuck-up mean bitch. And this is true. Veronica is a stuck-up mean bitch. But here are some truths about Veronica most people don’t want to realize:

1.) She is rich. This counts for a lot.
2.) She is unpredictable and fun.
3.) She doesn’t care much what other people think of her.
4.) She is rich, yo.
5.) Most importantly, she is not Betty Cooper.

Some people do not realize that this last is a major plus. Betty, after all, is the “nice” one. She makes Archie cookies and helps him with his homework and does charity-type things and doesn’t gripe about being kind of poor. Plus, let’s face it: she’s smoking hot. Why wouldn’t Archie want to marry Betty?

The answer is simple.

Betty Cooper is motherfucking psycho bugfuck crazy.

Look at this shit. Understand that Archie is a popular kid, sure, but he is not exactly the star of his school. (That’s Reggie. Just because Reggie is an asshole doesn’t mean he’s not super-popular at Riverdale.) Archie is the decent guy everybody likes, who gets okay-to-good grades, plays on a couple of sports teams in a non-star fashion, and dogs lots of chicks. He is pretty fucking unremarkable as teenagers go, and were it not for his line of comics he would be the most boring human on the planet.

Betty Cooper is psycho for Archie Andrews, who tops out at “the most averagest person around.” She has giant blow-up pictures of him. That you know she took herself, with her stalker camera. Look at some of those photos, how awkwardly cropped they are. That’s because they are photos of Archie not knowing he is being photographed.

You know goddamn well the only reason she has pictures of Archie in the shower is jilling-off fodder. That’s not sexy. That’s fucking disturbing. Porn is great. Porn you make yourself – not in the “videotaping yourself doin it” sense but the “take time to produce life-size beat-off photos” sense – is creepy.

She kept an audiotape of him speaking! What. The. Fuck.

You just know that she looped it and edited it so she could have imaginary conversations with Archie. “Archie, do you think I am the prettiest girl at school?” “Heck… yes… Betty. I would… LIKETO… take… YOU… out for… a soda?” In Bettyworld, she is the rich one, and Archie is secretly a prince from the kingdom of Mevonia, come to take her away on his unicorn steed to a idyllic life of sybaritic pleasure.

She is so crazy that when she thinks Archie is near, her sleeves disappear as her psionic powers spontaneously manifest themselves! (Okay, that’s a bit of a dig on the art, but come on, Dan DeCarlo made so few mistakes that when you find a biggie like this one you have to comment. Archie artists today couldn’t hold DeCarlo’s jock if they had a crane.)

Note also how her father holds her back. It is much akin to how one holds a Rottweiler back before you let it rush into a dogfighting ring. “Savage him, Betty! Savage him and leave him bleeding and praying for death!” He knows what happens if you let Betty loose without tranquilizing her first. There was that time in Ohio. That’s why he’s Mr. Cooper now, instead of Mr. Lifschitz, and why Betty is no longer Brenda.

“Imagine if she told him he loved her.” If he did, that would be when she would go get her rifle, climb the clocktower, and start shooting at Lodge Mansion’s windows. “HE LOVES ME!” *BLAM* “HE LOVES ME!” *BLAM* “TAKE THAT, SMITHERS! I CAN KILL BECAUSE ARCHIE LOVES ME AND ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE UNIVERSE!” *BLAM* “ARCHIE WANTS YOU TO BLEED, MR. LODGE!” *BLAM* “ARCHIE’S LOVE MAKES ME IMMORTAL! I AM A GODDESS OF EVERLASTING PEACE AND LOVE!” *BLAM*

Top comments:

Are you guys seriously anylizing a COMIC BOOK? I mean, maybe a book i could see, if it was a realllly old classic, but Archie books? — Tigerthecat

Tigerthecat: Hi. You must be new here. — Lister Sage

Flash Comics #1 was an auspicious comic. Of course, it was the very first appearance of Jay Garrick as the Flash, but it was also the first appearance of Hawkman. That’s a heckuva comic right there: the Flash and Hawkman, both appearing for the first time. But wait! On top of that, it was also the first appearance of Johnny Thunder! That’s two major players and a classic second banana, all in one comic!

And then there’s the Whip.

The Whip is a working-class hero. No powers for this guy! Just his facility with a whip. Rodrigo “Rodney” Gaynor (no, really!) was a descendant of the very first Whip, a Mexican superhero of the 19th century who fought for right and protected the poor. Kind of like Zorro! But with a whip instead of a sword. Well, actually Zorro used a whip too sometimes. So basically think Zorro, but no sword.1

Anyway, Rodney used his, I dunno, one-sixteenth Mexican-ness (“just enough beaneater to use their traditional ethnic weapons, but not so much that you can’t take him home to Mother, girls!”) to master the whip and call himself The Whip, as his ancestor did before him. At some point you would think that he would come up with a better name, but no such luck. In a stunning development, he mostly fought… evil Mexicans. The symbolism of a white guy fighting Mexicans was apparently glossed over at the time.

Presumably at some point Rodney joined the All-Star Squadron, as did just about every other vigilante who ever existed. And that is more or less all there is to be said for the Whip. (Except that his granddaughter also became the Whip briefly before dying as one of the Seven Soldiers of Victory.) But that’s okay. Rodney is one of the rank and file. A spear-carrier. A red-shirt. He is there to fill in crowd scenes and show up as a fourth-tier guest star when another superhero visits 1940s Mexico, and that’s all we can expect of him, and that is fine. Not everybody has to be a Flash or a Hawkman.

The Whip did not ask for much from comics, and he mostly got it. And things could be worse. The fifth star of Flash Comics #1 was a guy named Cliff Cornwall. Who the fuck is Cliff Cornwall? Because I sure as hell don’t know.

Although it’s kind of a shame that there are numerous superheroes within the DCU that are more prominent and known for the expertise with the whip (Catwoman and Mr. America, to name two). I mean, he’s called the Whip. You’d think he would be like the Green Arrow of whips, or something.

Top comment: He’s a *millionaire* and he’s using his whip to “protect the poor from exploitation and injustice”?!?! Gosh, it’s a good think he didn’t waste his money on something completely ineffective in that regard, like going to law school. — robin

1. Sidenote: does anybody remember a TV movie or something similar where Zorro was in jail or wounded or something, and his cousin took over, but his cousin was crap with a sword but great with a whip so he only used a whip, and called himself “the Red Zorro”? Did I just hallucinate that? [↩]

Top comment: Elfen Inferno, Princess of Incineration, locked in combat with her archnemesis, Esophagus Violator. His dyed eyebrows are the source of his unholy power. –KDBryan

Also: I was going to go with Reverse Gravit-hair-a and her husband, Sir No Longer Appearing in this Comic. — Zifnab

1.) My weekly TV column is up at Torontoist.

2.) My article this week for The Court is about R. v. Middleton, a sentencing case. Be forewarned the topic matter is so dry I nearly fell asleep twice while writing it.

3.) Finally, I made a rare PODCASTING APPEARANCE on Hour 42 yesterday, wherein I articulated poorly about the potential of Gooch the Dark Wonder Dog, among other things.

LIKED

– The “sneak preview” of Glee. Although I think airing the premiere episode of a series Fox doesn’t plan to air for another three months is, how shall I say this, idiotic and a programming strategy that only Fox could come up with, this was one of the best pilots I’ve seen in a while; funny and clever, with great musical numbers, and it built to a ringing, enthusiastic finale that nonetheless obviously showed room for development and growth. All the better for it being unique among the current crop of television shows.

– Tower of Greed. Simple in execution yet incredibly addictive. The first Flash game I’ve played in a while that felt really fresh, despite the “keep going up or you die” concept being far from original; ToG’s system of giving you occasional options to opt out to finalize your score really puts a stamp on the style that’s a good gameplay twist, and the 80s-ish pixel graphics are exactly what I like to see in a platformer like this one.

– Marcos Martin’s “Saga of Captain America” backup feature in Captain America #50. Hey, what if all those Marvel Saga-type summaries Marvel is putting in their books these days to justify the extra dollar in price were actually something you wanted to see because they had gorgeous new art with a strong sense of design? Wouldn’t that be cool? Well, that’s what they did here. Marcos Martin has permission to draw anything he wants to for ever.

– Gaby Rojas’ audition on the first episode of So You Think You Can Dance. One of the rare times when Nigel’s praise was not in fact even a bit hyperbolic. Absolutely astounding, and one of the best solos on this program ever, be they auditions or competition or whatever. (Other solos that were excellent: Peter Sabasino the tapper, Kayla Rodomski who made her grandpa cry when she got through, and of course Natalie Reid and Brandon Bryant, who both would have made top 20 last year if it weren’t for the producers trying to spread out talent and also give a street dancer the best chance of winning.)

DIDN’T LIKE

– Terminator: Salvation. Loud and stupid and disappointing in all the wrong ways. A couple of really great action sequences, sure, but then again Star Wars: The Phantom Menace had a couple of really great action sequences and nobody says that was good (and the acting and dialogue in Terminator is as near-witless as the acting and dialogue in Menace). With the exception of Star Trek, the summer movie season this year is just floundering in terms of quality.

– Nigel Lythgoe’s burst of homophobia when presented with a same-sex ballroom couple (who were actually quite good technically despite a screwup). Nigel, your jokes weren’t funny (much like, you know, all your jokes ever), but worse you went from unfunny to outright offensive this time. Save the moralizing for… well, never.

Some have suggested that this dog is a real-life approximation of Rex the Wonder Dog.

However, even if we ignore the fact that this is clearly a training scenario and not an actual hostile takedown (not that this dog knew that, of course), you will note that the crucial difference is that Rex the Wonder Dog would have caught the bullets in his mouth and spat them back at either his attacker or possibly a secondary evildoer.

Top comment: And Rex would’ve gone THROUGH the car window. — Chenry

…no.

Just… no.

NOOOOOOO.

Top comment: Even then, if they’re just going for a Jetson-ish “modern” 50s family, they could be disgustingly liberal and accepting. “Oh dear, Brat and Dog have killed another cat. He’s probably just in that rebelling stage. Now go take out the recycling, honey, while I finish paying my taxes and we’ll all hug it out until dinner. Then, we destroy the world.” — Zifnab

“Lord Vetinari is subtly training Sam Vimes to be the next Patrician.”

versus

“Lord Vetinari is subtly training Moist von Lipwig to be the next Patrician.”

Discuss.

Also: Hobbes. Magic tiger or imaginary friend?

Top comment: Wait… Hobbes wrote Leviathan?? Then he IS real!! — Al

A giant vampire bat might pose problems to certain heroic individuals. After all, giant vampire bats are, let us be honest, usually giant vampires. In bat form. And if you don’t have a crucifix handy, what do you do?

Maybe you go old school on that vampire, if your name is Rex the motherfucking Wonder Dog.

Top comment: Fact: Rex the Wonder Dog is considered a religious symbol for 9 out of 10 religions. (The last one is Scientology, because L Ron Hubbard knew incorporating Rex into Scientology would infuriate Rex.) — Thok

ITEM! Kathryn Immonen comfirmed that she is indeed writing Runaways in the near future. (This might have been confirmed on Newsarama or something but I don’t read it regularly so whatever.) She was amused when I shouted “FUCK YEAH.” (Which is just proof that unlike most people, I am pretty much who I am on the internet in real life. Which involves a lot of nut-punching, unfortunately.)

ITEM! Finally got to meet Kate Beaton. I say “finally” because my little sister Lindsay is a good friend of Kate’s and shows up in a few of her comics even. Kate signed my copy of Never Learn Anything From History with a sketch of Lindsay which was captioned “all Birds are good in my books.” Which makes her the BEST CARTOONIST EVER and she should totally win the Doug Wright Award.

ITEM! Speaking of the Doug Wright Award, Seth had a signing lineup a mile long because he was drawing original sketches of Snoopy or Charlie Brown if you brought him one of his books. Since Seth’s books are all great this was not exactly a disincentive.

ITEM! Also finally got around to picking up a copy of Super Spy by Matt Kindt. Matt was busy sketching a picture of Black Widow doing a tango move with fingers in front of the eyes like Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction in front of about a billion AIM agents, because TCAF, despite its supposedly artsy reputation, is CHOCKABLOCK FULL OF NERDS. Then I spied an old Action Comics with Vartox on the cover, and Matt explained that someone had asked for a sketch of Vartox wrestling Emma Peel and provided it as a reference. “And you know, I’m glad! Because you can only draw the Punisher so many times.”

ITEM! At one of the panels the various panel members were playing “what indie band is each cartoonist.” IE, “Peter Bagge is R.E.M.” I mention this because Scott McCloud’s daughter said that Ryan North of Dinosaur Comics would be the Ramones, because “only the words change.” I think this qualifies as the biggest OH SNAP of the entire festival.

ITEM! This is still far and away the best comics show on the planet. SUCK IT, SAN DIEGO! SUCK IT LONG AND SUCK IT HARD!

Top comment: So you went to a con and enjoyed it. Soon we will have you cosplaying as She-Hulk. — Skemono

You kind of have to feel sorry for poor old Carcharo. Todd McFarlane and Roy Thomas wanted to tell a story about a villainous shark-man. But the problem with villainous shark-men is that there are already some people who have firmly claimed that niche as their own – Tiger Shark, Killer Shark, King Shark, the Shark (he’s the one with no adjective), and of course Jabber Jaw. The essential point being made here is that there are no end of shark-themed supervillains. If you’re going to create a new one, you need to bring something new to the table.

What Carcharo brings to the table is giant shoulder pads. Cable-quality metallic shoulder pads, a full four years before Cable was created. (Or maybe afterwards. Cable is a time-traveller, you see.) That is what distinguishes him from all the other shark villains. Other shark villains think “I will be like a shark – sleek, hydrodynamic and deadly.” Carcharo, on the other hand, decided that he was so sharky he needed a handicap, so clearly he needed giant shoulder pads to slow him down!

Beyond the shoulder pads, there’s really very little that makes Carcharo unique. I mean, blah blah genetic experimentation as baby yada yada yada I think there are like six shark villains all with that same origin. You’d think at some point there’d be a shark villain who just decided after watching Shark Week one week that this was his ticket to supervillainy, but no – it’s always genetic experimentation as a baby.

Also, Carcharo died of a combination of cyanide poisoning and being stabbed with shrapnel. How do you even manage that? Cyanide is not supposed to be a slow death! You get enough of it in you and BAM, that’s it, there’s shouldn’t be enough time to say “hey, don’t stab me with that met-“.

In fairness to Carcharo, he apparently did manage to score himself a pair of lady companions, (who presumably were banned from most aquariums) and that’s more than most shark villains do. What with them being sharks and all.

Top comment: OK, just a quick question. His mother is alleged, but the unknown father gets a pass on that? How, exactly, does that work? — Ambrael