Serious question: does anybody actually like Major Force?

I mean, yes, I get he’s a villain, but everybody has their favorite villains. Mine is Lex Luthor. Lots of people love the Joker or Dr. Doom. And there’s always going to be one or two holdouts for the lesser lights, somebody who really loves the Gambler or the Ratcatcher or Big Wheel. That’s natural. But does anybody really love Major Force? Or even like him?

It’s not a problem with his concept, which is actually pretty clever. Since the experiment that turned Nathaniel Adam into Captain Atom also flung him twenty years into the future, the people conducting it had no idea that they hadn’t killed him – so they tried again, but this time they used a psychotic murderer on the basis that if they killed him, nobody would care. (Of course, the question of “well, what if they had succeeded” is one that is casually walked around. I have always favoured “they wanted data on the huge explosion, but needed someone expendable to trigger the huge explosion, and so…”) And then a little while after Captain Atom pops into the future, hello, it’s Major Force! Perfectly good start to a story, right? And Wade Eiling (who was never, ever interesting until he became The General, which is just so comics it is perfect) makes him a government agent, and…

…that’s when it goes downhill. Because Major Force is just kind of boring: he’s a self-interested thug with a tendency to get violent who is basically indestructible. He has never done anything interesting ever. “A ha,” you say, “but he killed Kyle Rayner’s girlfriend!” And my answer is “big deal,” because A) all of Kyle’s girlfriends die sooner or later and B) her death wasn’t about her, it was about Kyle, and Major Force could have been absolutely anybody and it wouldn’t have mattered. Similarly, he killed Guy Gardner’s mother for some reason I forget and again, nobody cares. Nobody cares about anything Major Force does, because he doesn’t have any personality worth mentioning: he just does things other people tell him to do. Why does he do these things? “Because.” Commenting on Major Force as a character is like commenting on the character of the gun that killed Batman’s parents. “Well, he has this trigger. And if you pull the trigger… people might die!”

And the worst thing is that he just keeps showing up. Every time DC wants to have the government be sorta-malevolent (which is like seven times a year now), up pops Major Force like a bad pimple. He just showed up in the godawful Captain Atom backup story in one of the Superman books that doesn’t currently have Superman in it, because the very moment that Captain Atom found out that the government was behind him being in a fantasy world – hey! Major Force! I think if you say “government” five times fast in the DC Universe, Major Force just kind of shows up. Like Candyman. Except he sucks.

People talk about Golden Age Wonder Woman panels being disturbing, but really, those are nothing. This just makes me feel unclean.

(from Dixie Dugan #2)

Okay, so Santa Claus is a trucker, and he asked Spidey for help. This is because Trucker Santa wants to make sure that kids everywhere get the chance to buy a fishing rod (and it has to be the right fishing rod, so the kids need their dad’s help, because no way would Mom know anything about fishing because she’s a girl) so they can have a chance at winning a million dollars. And the reason Trucker Santa needs Spidey’s help is because… maybe robbers will try to steal the million dollars! And nobody’s better at stopping robbers than your friendy neighborhood Spider-Man! Because the last time he didn’t stop a robber, his Uncle Ben got shot. God only knows whose uncle would get shot if Spidey didn’t stop the robbers this time!

That’s my best shot at explaining this, unless there’s some early Lee/Ditko issue of Amazing Spider-Man I’m not aware of where Spidey goes into extended detail about how much he loves fishing.

I always felt Warp got a bit of a raw deal getting killed off in Salvation Run (which has numerous flaws as a story, not least the idea that half of the supervillains would willingly say “sure thing, Joker can be the leader!”). I mean, yeah, he’s a teleporter and all so he can come back easy enough, but even so – Warp is a cool character, and cool characters shouldn’t get sacrificed for a lousy climax to a miniseries most people didn’t even read. Warp’s ow-tray-zhuss French accent should be fiat armor enough to protect him in any crossover. That’s my belief and I’m sticking to it.

And really, that goes for most of the New Brotherhood of Evil – including Monsieur Mallah and the Brain, also both victims of Salvation Run and writers who don’t know awesome villains when they see them. But also Plasmus (a Nazi made entirely of acid goop, which is almost as good as Swarm, the Marvel Universe’s Nazi made out of bees) and Phobia (a fear inducing villainess with awesome costume). Those are awesome characters.

And then there is Houngan, a character who is really kind of dumb, and who escapes criticism mostly because the vast majority of his appearances have been drawn by George Perez. If ninety percent of Carcharo’s appearances were drawn by George Perez, he would be a totally awesome villain, rather than the worst of all the DC shark-themed villains. But Perez aside, sometimes you just have to recognize when a shitty character is shitty, even if they have a pretty nifty costume. (And Houngan’s, while a bit dated at this point and in need of a small bit of revamping, is pretty nifty.)

And Houngan is shitty, because his origin doesn’t exactly work. He’s a computer scientist, right? And he goes back to Haiti and he learns voodoo. Fine and good. Computers and voodoo, mix of science and magic – this could be a pretty good villain concept! And then what does he do?

He makes a voodoo doll, but it’s a computer voodoo doll. That’s it. That is Houngan’s entire fucking shtick.

Voodoo is this massive goddamn religion, right? With tons of nifty occult trappings: slave-zombies, evil spirits, secret societies, ancestral protection… hell, voodoo’s entire thing is that it is the religion that takes whatever it likes from every other religion. It is like open-source religion (which, and I know Houngan was created in the early 80s before open-source was really a thing, but whatever – the next time someone uses Houngan, they should understand how a computer scientist would think about open-source as applied to religion). All of this could be combined to make a pretty damn awesome character. (In fact, it did. And then they decided for some stupid reason he should be Sorcerer Supreme. Sorry, “Houngan Supreme.” Yeah, still bitter about that.)

But all Houngan does is one thing. He does a voodoo doll. Which he says is better because it’s done with computers, but whatever – it works the same as a regular old voodoo doll. All Houngan’s voodoo doll does that other voodoo dolls don’t is spark electricity every so often. Plus, given that Houngan needs a sample of skin or hair or whatever for his supposedly superior voodoo doll, every time he actually wants to use his voodoo doll, it’s the same scenario: the hero is unconscious or tied up or whatever, so he has time to stroll over and get a skin sample and put it in his voodoo doll, and then he uses the voodoo doll to hurt the hero.

So basically Houngan is the supervillain who’s really only threatening once you’ve already lost.

(cover of Justice Traps the Guilty #50)

LIKED

– Zombieland is exactly as good as you were hoping it would be: it’s not Citizen Kane or anything, but it’s a consistently fun horror/comedy with the emphasis on the latter half of the equation and some very solid action sequences as well, plus a number of clever visual tricks that help keep the viewer engaged and entertained. This is what B-movies should be like, and I await the inevitable sequel with bated breath.

– The Jim/Pam wedding on The Office would have actually served the series very well as a finale, as others have noticed elsewhere, but even as a portion of the series it was a particularly good episode – not just for the obvious romantic/emotional catharsis but because it was just a well-written episode of a show that’s notable because it missteps so rarely. (Also: Oscar voguing. How can you not love Oscar voguing?)

– Planetary’s conclusion was about as good as could be hoped for – a note-perfect end to a near-perfect series (that, yes, only managed to produce 27 issues over nearly a decade, but that’s why it’s near-perfect).

DID NOT LIKE

– Doctor Voodoo manages the rare feat of making Dr. Strange look like a pussy-ass loser (I mean, even more than previous Marvel comics have done so) while making Doctor Voodoo look like a self-important twat. (And in the bargain, once again makes Dormammu look like a pathetic joke.) The only character to come out of the first issue not looking like a schmuck is Dr. Doom, and let’s be honest: Dr. Doom doesn’t need any help to look cool. On top of that, the comic itself is just pretty goddamned bad: heavy, ponderous dialogue that already felt a bit outdated in the 1970s combined with art that is just ugly and murky makes for a nigh-unreadable pile of slurry. Understand that, as a Dr. Strange fan, I am ostensibly the target audience for this comic. I wanted this comic to be good. Instead, it’s probably the worst new offering from Marvel in quite a while.

IP Osgoode has a sane and reasonable summary of the Jack Kirby copyright reversion case here.

I am pretty comfortable with whatever people might think of me in most circumstances, but I am still compelled to make this perfectly bloody clear: I did not purchase a copy of Glamour with my own money. My wife and I have moved into a new apartment, and whoever lived here before us apparently did not forward his or her (I do not make assumptions) subscription. At one point we were basically camping at our new place, and there was a period of time where that Glamour was the only reading material in the house apart from the ingredients on the Special K. So I read it, and I will fight to the death any man, woman, or child who derides me for doing so.

Now, you may have never read a copy of Glamour, so you might think of me as a sort of explorer; the guy who went into the uncharted Amazon so you didn’t have to and reported back what he found (answer: small, delicious frogs).

I am here to tell you that Glamour Magazine is weird.

First off, the cover copy says “Finally! Answers to All Your Questions About Sex and Love.” For realsies, Glamour? It took 70 years of continuous, monthly publication, but as of the November 2009 issue, they have finally answered those last, nagging questions on the subject; with nothing more to be said, I am sure this final issue will become a collector’s item.

No, look, whoever decides what the big, bold, main cover copy will say for Glamour decided to simply mention that they will be answering questions about sex and dating. I would be quite fascinated to see what else is in that copywriter’s portfolio. The June 2005 issue of Playboy: “Photos of Naked Women Inside!” Consumer Reports, August ’07: “Reviews and Comparisons of Various Products Available for Purchase!” The award-winning February 2004 Newsweek: No images, just bold white text on a black field stating “CURRENT EVENTS.”

Anyway.  Moving on. So, Scarlett Johansson is on the cover, right? And there’s a little “About the Cover” blurb near the front of the magazine as you’d expect, but they do not tell you who this person is and why you should read about her. No, they just assume you already know. Instead, they tell you what kind of makeup she’s wearing, how much it cost, and who did it for her. It’s like twenty lines of small type! And in the back there is an entire page dedicated to approximate prices of the clothes everybody is wearing. But I’m not sure that the young single mum who buys Glamour in the supermarket can afford a $75 T-shirt (no matter how many fuzzy pompoms it’s covered in), and wouldn’t rich people have a more exclusive source? Isn’t there, like, a special, platinum-level internet for the wealthy and famous? (Fun fact: Platinum Internet actually is a system of tubes.)

And then there’s the celebrity fragrances. Man, I don’t understand this either. Reese Witherspoon has a fragrance. All of a sudden that price page at the back seems almost sane to me.  Because I guess you could see something Reese Witherspoon is wearing and want to buy it too, or think her makeup and hair are really done well and look up who did them. Maybe you could even find out where she learned how to act and do that too, if you really admired her or something. But here’s the thing – I have no idea what Reese Witherspoon smells like, and you probably do not either. None of the media through which you experience Reese Witherspoon includes aroma capabilities. What about watching Election makes you think, “Gosh, I bet she is a fantastic perfumer”?

But the most odious thing about this magazine was the feature on plus-size models, featuring a nude (but strategically covered) photo spread. Let’s leave aside the condescending-sounding copy accompanying the photos (“Oh. Wow. These Bodies Are Beautiful” is actually how the title of article is punctuated. Jeez guys, try not to sound too excited or anything). Let’s even leave out that none of these women are really even all that plus-sized. No, what I want to call Glamour out on is the self-congratulatory tone they seem to feel entitled to for daring to showcase *gasp* size 12 models. They devoted six pages or so to women of a so-called “average” body type … with the other two hundred and forty devoted to the same kind of superthin models as usual, and acted as though they just tore down the Berlin Wall. This does not impress me, Glamour. This is the fashion and body equivalent of “Um, actually, I’ve got a co-worker who’s black and I’m very friendly with him…”

And the real kicker about this whole thing? And the reason why the guy who usually writes about mainstream superhero comics is bringing it up?

This magazine costs $3.99.

Do you see? I have spent this blog post tearing down this magazine that is totally not even marketed to me, but even chock full of 246 pages of crap and ads that I cannot distinguish from the articles, it is probably still a better value than 22 plus ads pages of Dark Avengers of Cry for Justice at the same price. I understand Glamour going for $3.99; like I said, they have an itemized list on how much all the dresses and makeup cost.

I just hope they’ve got Brian Michael Bendis decked out in Louis Vuitton for all that.

Finally, something I feel remotely qualified to talk about!

Over at the Comic Book Bin, Hervé St-Louis has exposed a cancer that’s been eating away at the comic book industry: creators who think more highly of themselves than St-Louis believes they should.

continue reading "Creator Cult Crusade"

In my recent look at at Harry Lucey’s work, I somehow didn’t manage to link to a Lucey-drawn story that is particularly memorable, though for all the wrong reasons. In the February 1964 issue, Archie unveiled a story that is so inappropriate for so many reasons that no one who read it (at the time or in a digest) can seem to forget it.

The art was by Lucey, and this (early ’60s) was my favorite period for his work, lots of great acting from the guys and girls, suspense when needed, and some crazy throwaway gags like the two guys hiding behind one small tree at the same time (on the second panel of p. 5). But there’s so much that’s disturbing in this story, intentionally and unintentionally, that it would take practically another post to list them all. But here’s the story, and then I’ll try and list some of the WTF?! aspects.

“The Kisser Strikes!” (11 pages) from Archie # 143, February 1964

So, first off, this story itself probably wasn’t as WTF-ish at the time as it seems now. “Kissing Bandit” stories had been done before and would be done again. And I have to admit, Archie’s explanation of Betty’s actions made sense to me as a kid (who wouldn’t want to create a mystery that no one could solve?). Still, what it comes down to is that you’ve got a story about Betty running around kissing all the girls in school. Then you’ve got:

– A comedy story that starts with Veronica, alone and defenseless at night, about to be assaulted by a scary figure coming out of the shadows.

– The venerable “girls who are taken by force really like it” stereotype, one that was by no means confined to Archie comics, of course. Still, when you have girls talking about the person who’s jumping out of the shadows and grabbing them, it may be ill-advised to have a girl suggest they do “Nothing drastic, like stopping him, I hope!”

– Reggie to Archie: “Are you trying to say that Jughead kissed you?”

– Not really WTF, but there were sure some odd-looking hairstyles in 1964. (But then, there are odd-looking hairstyles in every decade, and Archie artists drew them all.)

– Did I mention that in order to kiss Midge, Betty puts a paper bag over Midge’s head? And that Midge considers it a mark of pride to have been assaulted in this manner, because “I’ve joined the club!”

– Archie and Reggie ask the weirdest-haired of the previously-unknown girls to go out walking alone at night to make the mysterious maniac assault her, because, as they so delicately put it, “You’ll be the lure to make him strike!”

– Jughead really, really seems to want it to be known that he didn’t kiss Archie.

– Finally, and this is way creepier than her decision to go around kissing girls just for the sake of pure mischief: Betty only seems to kiss Archie while he’s unconscious. First it’s after he’s knocked out by a branch. Second it’s when she thinks he’s asleep. So her modus operandi is that when she’s kissing girls for the sake of creating a mystery, she can do that while they’re awake. But the kiss of true love must wait until the beloved is out cold.

That, you must surely admit, is a lot o’ WTF to pack into one story. Even a two-parter.

LIKED

– Okay, so this isn’t techically “this week,” but damn, do I love my Vivo Barefoots. I got a pair of Dharmas on sale about a month ago and I am pretty sure they are my favorite shoes ever. I put on a pair of Airwalks the other day (and Airwalks are not exactly a big-soled shoe) and they just felt weird, because I’d gotten so used to the natural feeling of walking in the Vivos. I definitely feel my posture’s improved as a result of them, too. Indeed: best shoes ever. I need to get more of these.

– Also I like drinking beer and lookin’ at titties. (I feel the need to mention these after posting about a pair of shoes.)

– Finally read The Umbrella Academy: Dallas and Gerard Way and Gabriel Ba are definitely taking their story to a new level; it’s ambitious in a way that most superhero-ish comics just aren’t, weird and gloriously creative, creepy in all the right ways and never in the wrong ones. Have you not read Umbrella Academy? You are missing out on a comic book that has talking chimps for no discernible reason and where they must kill John F. Kennedy to save the world.

DIDN’T LIKE

– Finally went to a Pillowfight League event, and… I’m putting it in the “all hype” category. It’s funny for about five minutes, and then you realize they’re gonna do it for another forty-five minutes, and you die inside. It’s one joke, and although the girls are clearly doing their best to make the joke as good as possible, one joke is still one joke.Plus, the only beer at the event was Pabst Blue Ribbon. I don’t think I have to say much more than that.

Last time on Thursday Who’s Who, we examined a successful spear-carrier in the All-Star Squadron. And most of the Squadron were spear-carriers, when you get down to it: they can’t all be slumming members of the Justice Society (or Johnny Quick). A lot of guys in domino masks who punch baddies. This is how it was done in the old days, see.

However, there are degrees of how awesome these guys are. Tarantula, for example, is pretty cool. But Neptune Perkins? This guy is a schmuck. Initially he had the good sense to realize that the “superpower” of having to immerse himself in saltwater every day or die was not exactly grade-A superheroing material, but then he went and joined the All-Star Squadron’s Young All-Stars adjunct, presumably because with Tsunami on the team what they needed was another aquatic hero to emphasize how cool she was.

Seriously: no powers. He’s not super-strong from a life in the depths – he’s fit, sure, but not even, like, Captain America strong. He can’t breathe water (he can hold his breath for seven minutes, which means that he can’t even listen to all of “D’You Know What I Mean?” by Oasis whilst underwater). He’s not a super-swimmer (although his webbed feet give him the ability to swim as strongly as… somebody with a pair of flippers!).

How useless is Neptune Perkins? He is so useless that when he grew up, he eventually became a U.S. Senator. That is how useless Neptune Perkins is.

Also: his most prominent role in comics was serving as the Old Guy Who Doesn’t Get It in Young Justice. That is a damn useless character.

LIKED

– Glee continues to impress, but here is the weird thing: in the United States it is doing slightly sub-average numbers, but in Canada it is a runaway hit getting a boffo huge audience. Someone has to explain how that works, beyond the simple and obvious truth that we clearly have better taste in teevee than you Yankees do.

– I don’t generally say much about them because they’re consistently good without being particularly showy about it, but anyway: Nova and Guardians of the Galaxy and War of Kings and all the other Marvel “cosmic” comics books are excellent. It’s just worth saying, because these books don’t get the praise that Iron Fist or Hercules (rightly) get, but Dan Abnett and Andy Lanning are writing the best outer-space superhero books since – well, their run on Legion of Super-Heroes. (Meanwhile, over at DC, they’ve given the “cosmic” franchise mostly to Jim Starlin, and that is… Not Working Out.)

DID NOT LIKE

– I finally played Hannibal: Rome vs. Carthage and do not understand the mega-high BGG rating it has. First off, given that it’s a total redesign, it would have been nice if they had bothered to come up with a better way to handle armies than the old-school “let’s stack counters in a precarious, easy-to-topple stack” design. (Also, although I can appreciate the spirit and artistry of a die with Carthaginian numbers on it, in practice it is completely stupid.) More importantly, though, the game hinges around the battles, and the battle system is entirely too random for my tastes: even drawing mass numbers of battle cards, too many battles were lost after one or two piddling exchanges. Put this in the “a bunch of 50-year-olds were feeling nostalgic for a mediocre game” category.

Why has DC not thrown whatever money is necessary to get Garth Ennis to write an ongoing Sgt. Rock series?